I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
