Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
