We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
