She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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