I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
