I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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