god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
