I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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