I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
