There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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