i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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