Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
