Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
