There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
