I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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