1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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