Who did Billy Mays play for?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
