Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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