My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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