Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I can't turn off my feet"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
