So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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