i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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