Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
