his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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