Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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