I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
