Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
