i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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