Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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