I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
