A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
