My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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