When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
