I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
