...so i touched it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
