My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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