my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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