Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
