I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
