oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
