I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
