If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
