I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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