Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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