Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
a search helicopter?!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
