I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
