K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
