he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
