tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
