LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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