Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
