It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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