My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
