I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
