Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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